Elmer's Brother

Saddam Hussein, currently on trial for crimes against humanity (including multiple counts of mass murder and rape), stunned the court today by requesting that his trial be moved to Burlington, Vermont. Mr. Hussein's attorney, Ramsey Clark, later told the press that the former Iraqi dictator decided to seek a venue change after learning that a Vermont judge, Edward Cashman, had given a man who confessed to repeatedly raping a 6-year-old girl a jail sentence of only 60 days. "That's the kind of deal we could live with," declared Mr. Clark. "My client needs therapy, not prison! A lengthy term will only harden this fellow. Sure, my heart goes out to his alleged victims, but there are other families out there, and there are other innocents who could be victimized if Mr. Hussein doesn't receive timely therapy. I'm trying to take the long view. Moving the trial to the Green Mountain State will ensure that progressive justice is served."

Ramsey Clark, former US Attorney General: "Punishment should not be a priority in the sentencing of Mr. Hussein; instead, society should offer him treatment to prevent future abuse, murder, torture, and serial rape." Martha Stewart: "It's good to see that only real criminals like me get punished while uninhibited, freedom-loving rapists and pederasts remain at large."

A spokesperson for the non-partisan group stated, "this nation has suffered too long from the bias against 'murderers' and 'rapists.' It's Tom DeLay and the entire Bush administration who must be thrown in jail - not them! A society isn't free if its 'rapists' and 'murderers' aren't treated with dignity and respect. All they do is act on an uninhibited animalistic impulse - we don't jail animals, do we? They don't do it for immoral capitalist profits like Martha Stewart did. They don't enrage the community with the display of excessive wealth like Dennis Kozlowski did. They don't destroy competition like Bill Gates does. They don't put crosses on public property like Christians do. They don't pollute the environment, they don't drill oil in Alaska, they don't cut down trees, they don't drain wetlands, and they don't build malls and luxury housing developments as an affront to people who live in rundown neighborhoods."

Martha Stewart, a convicted felon, whose appeal was recently rejected by US 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals in New York, and Dennis Kozlowski, the former chairman and CEO of Tyco Int'l, who is serving 8 to 25 years in a state prison, both praised the justice system today, saying that "it's good to see that only real criminals like us get punished while innocent compulsive rapists and pederasts remain at large. Our faith in this society and its justice system is now stronger than ever."

In related news, NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association), a non-profit organization dedicated to educating the public and promoting man's right to have sex with children, has named Vermont as the new site of its annual conference in recognition of the local community's open-minded, pederast-friendly, and pro-rape culture.

Vermont Governor Jim Douglas responded to the court's decision with the following statement: "As a modern-day man I think it's time I got myself a boy to rape on lunch breaks. I don't want my uninhibited electorate to think I'm some kind of conservative who can't think further than consensual sex with a woman who shaves her legs and armpits."